Special Ops Paintball: paintball heaven and paintball hell - Special Ops Paintball

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paintball heaven and paintball hell what they would be like. Rate Topic: ***** 2 Votes

#1 User is offline   Iron__Man 

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Posted 23 September 2010 - 12:06 AM

so i got to thinking, what would paintball heaven be like? and if there is indeed a flanders for every homer, a paintball hell.

in paintball heaven- all things tippmann would never need replacement parts. they would never break.
in paintball hell- brass eagle makes every part for every marker.

heaven- paint grows on paintbushes, and can be plucked year round for free by all
hell- lets just say you have to "make" your own paintballs

heaven- just as many chicks play as guys...oh yea, and they dig camo. ;)
hell- your mom plays better than you

heaven- referrees see everything and banish wipers into paintball hell... instantly
hell- kids who play more with computers than paintball guns are the refs.

heaven- masks do not fog. and they all have thermal predator vision, and night vision. with magical lenses.
in hell- there are no masks... only eye patches.

heaven- paintball is the national sport
hell- paintball players are the national "game"

heaven- paintball is played anywhere, anytime
hell- paintball is played on a sea of broken glass and the testacles of wipers.

heaven- whenever you eliminate someone, a magical frosty beer appears in your cooler in the staging area
hell- whenever you get eliminated, so does a kitten.

heaven- barrel bags are self cleaning
hell- you are the barrel bag

heaven- tanks, helicopters, trucks, boats, subs, planes, APC's, hovercraft, and spaceships arent just "simulated"
hell- there is no scenario... only speedball

heaven- you can have anyone on your team from history you could imagine
hell- tweens who got an ego from mom and dad, and can teach you how to play paintball from their halo experience.

heaven- camoflauge means predator invisibility
hell- you cannot hide. fields of broken glass and wiper testes' remember?


heaven- miniguns are made for paintball
hell- only tippmann triumphs are used

heaven- redbull really does give you wings
hell- you get to drink nothing but paint from grenades

heaven- no paintball ever falls out of your hopper or pods unintentionally.
hell- you must dig your paintballs from sandpits

heaven- paintball gunfights are fought matrix style
hell- you must fight in the form of a disney musical

heaven- all paintballs break on contact once shot
hell- only reballs are used

heaven- markers magically chrono themselves to 300fps
hell- you must sacrifice a fingernail to use the allen wrench for 1 turn

heaven- barrels clean themselves when a ball breaks
hell- you get a Q tip

heaven- pods dont rattle
hell- the back of every pod is a marraca

heaven- air is free
hell- you get to inflate your tank via mouthpiece.

heaven- nothing ever leaks air
hell- skin is used for teflon tape








these are all i could think of for now. add your own. :P
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#2 User is offline   Jones 

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Posted 23 September 2010 - 08:19 AM

Some of those are...interesting. lol. like the testicles of wipers.

For me heaven would be there is always a game to play at a good field and paint is free.
Hell would be there are games constantly scheduled but always canceled after you show up. lol
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#3 User is offline   Silent-7 

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Posted 23 September 2010 - 08:39 AM

The barrel bag one made me laugh, and then start wimpering... :laugh: :(


Heaven: Everyone has a magic bag from which you can pull any part or accessory ever made and construct an amazing new marker for every single game - or stick with what you know, whatever.

Hell: You're stuck with a bit of 3/4" PVC pipe and your lungs.

This post has been edited by Silent-7: 23 September 2010 - 08:40 AM

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#4 User is offline   I.K.E. 

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Posted 23 September 2010 - 05:44 PM

In paintball heaven, paintballs taste like candy.

In hell, they taste like the balls of wipers.
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#5 User is offline   Shipwreck! 

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Posted 23 September 2010 - 08:22 PM

Hahaha! IKE's was the best so far, I think. Let's see...

paintball heaven: There is no need for the crude ballistics of paintball. The game instead is played with actuall firearms which fire harmless paint projectiles with all of the accuracy, range and reliability of actual bullets but none of the danger. Actually these magical heaven paint bullet thingys are harmless when fired at people but when fired at objects they produce the exact same effect of an actuall bullet. Also included are all weapons ever concieved by mankind from the midevil to the the scifi. So if you want to play with a crossbow or a predator style self aiming shoulder mounted plasma casting uber gun, you got it. Again all weapons effect the environment as the real deal but are harmless to players, and if that armory isn't enough to satisfy if you think of something that hasn't already been done... it materializes itself for you. Screw it let's go all out war, all the fun of carrier vessels, jet fighters, tanks, nukes and none of the harm.

paintball hell: Players are equiped with the paintball gun of their dreams (which will be plagued by every paintball gun snafu possible... constantly) and pitted against a squad of unnaturaly talented demons equiped with the magical heaven armory. Even if a player does manage to eliminate one of the demons and get his uber gun, they vaporize in the hands of the players. Paintball hell is being trapped in this ever losing game for eternity. BTW demons wipe and there are no refs.
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#6 User is offline   Supergyro 

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Posted 23 September 2010 - 08:32 PM

Watch it buddy, I like Disney musicals! :P

Paintball Heaven: Pump handles somehow have zero pull weight, yet a hefty, hearty spring return.
Paintball Hell: The handle temp never dips below 713f.
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#7 User is offline   Iron__Man 

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Posted 24 September 2010 - 12:51 PM

i got another one

heaven- you never pay entry or registration... the field pays you
hell- the field makes you pay with papercuts.
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#8 User is offline   Puzuma 

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Posted 24 September 2010 - 01:10 PM

Heaven: Paintball is played under ideal conditions, perfect amount of sun, wind, cloud and temps.

Hell: perfect playing conditions included battles ships, meteors, small children and Andy Dick clones falling from the skies.
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#9 User is offline   Iron__Man 

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Posted 24 September 2010 - 03:20 PM

puzuma you evil, evil man. anything but andy.... anything.
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#10 User is offline   milsim berry 

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Posted 24 September 2010 - 10:39 PM

lol

Hell for me is Having a Field that has no Bathrooms :dodgy:
Heaven , A field with no Whippers and people with pisse modes

This post has been edited by milsim berry: 24 September 2010 - 10:41 PM

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#11 User is offline   milsim berry 

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Posted 24 September 2010 - 10:41 PM

View PostPuzuma, on 24 September 2010 - 02:10 PM, said:

Heaven: Paintball is played under ideal conditions, perfect amount of sun, wind, cloud and temps.

Hell: perfect playing conditions included battles ships, meteors, small children and Andy Dick clones falling from the skies.



LMAO I Would love to play Paintball Against any Army of andy dick clones
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#12 User is offline   dextonik 

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Posted 29 September 2010 - 01:57 PM

heaven-paintball players get an ever running fountain of their favorite drink and has their own personal super hot masseuse and all the markers have infinite HPA. Your hopper never empties. No wipers or cheaters.
Hell-paintballs are square and you barrel is triangular. You can only drink sand. Your marker is made of cement and so are your pods. The whole area is littered with used junkie needles that are all sticking needle up and you get to run around barefoot. Only the demons have round balls and you always get shot in the groin no matter where or what your doing on the field Oh, and I forgot you get a masseuse..... but its Richard Simmons.

This post has been edited by dextonik: 29 September 2010 - 02:17 PM

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#13 User is offline   Shipwreck! 

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 11:01 AM

Hahahaha!
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#14 User is offline   Jones 

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Posted 01 October 2010 - 11:37 AM

View Postdextonik, on 29 September 2010 - 03:57 PM, said:

heaven-paintball players get an ever running fountain of their favorite drink and has their own personal super hot masseuse and all the markers have infinite HPA. Your hopper never empties. No wipers or cheaters.
Hell-paintballs are square and you barrel is triangular. You can only drink sand. Your marker is made of cement and so are your pods. The whole area is littered with used junkie needles that are all sticking needle up and you get to run around barefoot. Only the demons have round balls and you always get shot in the groin no matter where or what your doing on the field Oh, and I forgot you get a masseuse..... but its Richard Simmons.


Your a bad man. Richard Simmons...really? thats just terrible. The needles don't sound to fun either.
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#15 User is offline   Thumper113 

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Posted 02 October 2010 - 08:13 AM

Paintball Heaven: your significant other plays with you.
Paintball Hell: She calls you every 10 minutes asking when your going to be home.. :dodgy:

Paintball Heaven: Paintball tanks are real tanks, but converted for paintball use
Paintball Hell: you have a little red wagon with broken wheels

Paintball Heaven: Everyone gets new stuff for free!
Paintball Hell: you need to give both index fingers and ring fingers for a new marker.

Paintball Heaven: Living Legends 3
Paintball Hell: Not going to future LL games

This post has been edited by Thumper113: 02 October 2010 - 08:21 AM

Special Ops Paintball Elite - Earned at Living Legends 3
Paintball Explosion
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